Monday, March 11, 2013

Criminal Masterminds list

Ever seen the 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became an Evil Overlord?  I'm going to start one for the criminal element out there, because they need help!!!  Lots and lots of mental help and remedial education.

1. Never, ever try to crawl through a doggie door with a big knife to attack your neighbors.  They will shoot your stupid ass while you're stuck.

2. Never, ever shoot a potential victim somewhere that's not instantly debilitating.  That kind of tends to piss them off, and they will shoot your stupid ass. 

3.  Never, ever aim a gun at a sleeping woman from a doorway.  She will scream loud enough to wake the dead, scare the shit out of you, take potshots at you, and you will be glad to see the police when they show up to arrest your stupid ass. 

4.  Never, ever try to rob a bank with a plastic toy gun.  Someone will retrieve a real gun and shoot your stupid ass.

I think that's it for now.  I'll do more of these as more occur. 

And you know they will occur.  The nation did, after all, re-elect King Putt.  That would not have been possible without mouth breathers.


  1. All those folks are just dreaming way too small. I can think of things I would do if I were a criminal mastermind - things that had a little style and panache and that didn't involve me getting birdshot in my backside. Things like, I don't know, reprogramming all the Times Square electronic billboards to pay homage to me. Or stealing a penny from every government account out there, investing my ill-gotten gains, and living off the interest....

    Of course, I'm NOT a criminal mastermind so I'd never do any of those things...

    1. If I was a criminal mastermind, I'd be in the White House as a benevolent dictator, balancing the budget and repealing the shit laws that have been passed restricting freedom. Because they're on the way to making common sense like that criminal.