On the nature of faith...

I do not believe God exists, nor do I believe He cares about us, nor yet that He sent His only Son to die to cleanse our sins so that we may go back to Him when we die.

I don't believe any of that.  I know it.  I know it to the depths of the damaged soul I have. 

And my soul is very damaged.  I am not a good person.  I am not a civilized person.  I do not understand the "rules," not on an instinctive level like most understand them.  I have to think about a situation, think about the rules, and think about how and why the rule works in the situation in question.  I never quite understand why other people act the way they do, not in moral or "Good Samaritan" situations, where someone is helping or protecting a complete and total stranger, or their belongings. 

I fully understand the morals and motivations behind the criminals that prey on others.  I share them, in large part. 

Let me explain: I do not look at people who I do not know and love as brothers and sisters in Christ.  I can't.  I've tried.  I tend to judge them by how I think they'll react in certain situations.  I'm glad to be off campus because most of my colleagues are sheep--they're kind, for the most part, but think that evil doesn't exist, think that sociopaths can be reformed, and think that no matter what crime was committed, once jail time is served, the person should be released with no restrictions (except for that nasty one about gun ownership--and they tend to think that everyone should be restricted, there.  It works so well in Chicago, and in Washington, D.C.).  In a campus shooting, they'd either huddle down and hope the shooter doesn't go looking for victims, or they'd be running around like headless chickens and getting in the way of first responders, during and after the emergency. 

They're weak.  Prey, even.  I tend to sympathize more with the predator--I'm a high-functioning sociopath (meaning I at least understand what I don't understand, and can follow rules when they make sense intellectually), and a lot of predators aren't.  They don't understand anything but strength and weakness. 

Many of my friends are the same.  I like many of them, but look at most and consider how much punishment they could take before ceasing to function as self-propelled sandbags.  They're prey.  Not predators.  Not even sheepdogs. 

This is not a Christian world view.  I remember being different when I was very small--before the family courts handed my sister and me to our abuser, gift wrapped and tied with red tape.  I wasn't born damaged, but broken young.  God did not make me this way.  I don't blame Him for my shortcomings.

Sometimes, though, I can't help but blame Him for letting it happen.

Most people who've been abused lose their belief in God and His love.  I certainly understand why they do.  I lost my belief.  Like I said earlier, I know He's there.  I never would have survived my childhood without Him holding me in the palm of His hand.

The Bible speaks of faith, and how holding your faith in the face of trials is difficult, at best.  It speaks of that faith as being the foundation of the grace of forgiveness.  It speaks of how you're no less forgiven if you can't quite hang onto that faith, but without faith, you tend to turn away from that forgiveness. 

Sometimes, I'm not sure that the knowledge that He's there and cares is good enough.  But I keep trying--not to be a good person, because that I can't do, but to follow His rules.