I am still here...but not all there.

Then again, I never was all there.  Or at least, I don't ever remember being all there.  

I've always been "crazy."  In school, I read too much, to be normal (still do, honestly,* and in a much more even split between a screen and on dead tree).  In college, I thought too much to be normal.  And because I thought instead of emoted, because facts and evidence mattered more than feelings, I wasn't just not normal, but downright weird. 

In grad school, it was starting to get uncomfortable.  I wanted that master's degree, though, so I shut up, did the work, did my job (tuition waived, plus a stipend paid for teaching composition 100 and 200), and soldiered through for two years (while some of my classmates had been drifting, and working on their master's degree for four).  But.  But, I had the wrongthink thing going on.  In a department with over a hundred grad student employees (not counting the ones taking out loans for it), I was one of two  that didn't vote for Kerry in '04.  Two. 

I still think too much, I guess--I have not done the things I was supposed to have done by my early forties.  I haven't filed for divorce or bankruptcy (and won't be doing either), I haven't gotten an abortion (and won't ever, even if I wish I could wave a magic wand and be rid of the internal apparatus that makes life difficult), I haven't voted democrat because the evil republicans are going to put me in a burka.**  I don't have a house full of cats (there are only two--even if it seems like more, sometimes).  I'm not miserable and wondering why (I know very well why my stress levels are what they are, thank you).  My kids are veritable stereotypes of their biological sex, and I'm not pushing them to be anything other than what they are, just to be cool. 

I'm not stunned and wondering why prices have spiked, gas is soaring, and some things are hard to even find.  

I won't say I'm not mad about it--I'm actually so far beyond mad it's getting really icy.  But I'm not wondering why it happened.  I fucking told the people advocating for the policies driving current problems that this is what it would lead to.  

Three stimulus checks, plus shutting down American oil production, plus letting that absolute shitwit in CA fuck with the rest of the nation in his stupidity regarding what kinds of trucks can be on the roads when his fucktarded rules are preventing stuff coming into our ports from leaving those ports.***   How the FUCK did anyone think that anything other than what is happening NOW would result???

Did I take the "stimulus checks" in spite of that?  Damn right I did.  Did some repairs that we'd been putting off with that money.  

But I know damn well that refusing it would have left us several thousand poorer...and made not one damn bit of difference now.  

I'm not "normal."  I'm proudly weird, in the Dave Ramsey definition,**** and in that of society.*****  I am battening down all hatches, and preparing for the nation to go through hell before it reaches a point where we, collectively, say "enough," and hang the bastards pushing us through the gate on the road that leads to perdition. 

 

*"Normal" people don't seem to read at all.  

**The GOP aren't the speckfuckingtacular morons colluding with violent, radical Islam due to them being our "little brown brothers."

***Honestly, California "green vehicle" policies should be nullified because they're interfering with interstate commerce something fierce.  

 ****Dave Ramsey's definition of "weird" is "someone who has zero debt."  I am profoundly weird, given that my credit rating is zero; my other half's credit rating is probably aggressively mediocre...because we have zero debt.  

*****I think for myself.  I do for myself and my family.  I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, and in Jesus Christ, His Only Son, our Lord...  I am a housewife, stay-at-home mom, and proud of it.  I cook, I clean (to the best of my abilities), I sew (sort of--still learning), knit, garden (some--health issues preclude heavy stuff), and in general, attempt to be a Proverbs 31 woman.