Well, now...

I got an email, last week, from the head of the English department of the university I work for.  "We regret to inform you that, due to a really tight schedule, we don't have any classes for you to teach in the spring semester.  We'll keep you in mind if we need to open more sections."

God's looking after me. 

I've known for the past year and a half that I can't be a good wife, good mother, good teacher, and write.  I've known for the past year that I can't be a good wife and mother as well as a good teacher.  I wouldn't have quit, but my standards for taking care of my family were sliding.  And my health was getting harder to manage a decent balance with.  And my mental well-being was slipping with the lack of writing. 

It's not an issue anymore.  Took a push, but I am not worried (much) about it.  I'll miss the classroom, and I'll miss the students, but I sure won't miss the atmosphere or the grading. 

(I now know what the constant fear of someone reporting something you say as wrongthink feels like.  Academia apparently thought Orwell's 1984 was a How-To manual for controlling people's very minds.  And the university where I work is nowhere near as bad as many others.)

Teaching is a HUGE energy drain.  It's actually more of an energy drain to teach two classes than it is to do three household chores (dishes, laundry,* picking up clutter throughout the whole house) AND do shopping.  Takes longer to recover from, and that's before you add in the grading...which is an energy drain in a different way.  I just...can't do it anymore.  And I fully admit that.  I also fully admit that without the energy drain of teaching, without that weight of dreading the next set of grading, I may well have an easier time of recovering--maybe even to the point of the CFS going into remission. 

If I am offered a couple of sections at the last minute, I'll likely take them.  It is going to be a stretch, financially not teaching--we can manage, but I'd like a little more of a pad, so I'd take the sections.  But I do think it'll be the last classes I'd take. 

*Laundry means getting the load back and into the washer, then into the dryer, then going for another load into the washer. As current energy expenditures stand, I can't move stuff from the washer to the dryer--wet clothes are heavy--and have enough left in my energy budget to do ANYTHING else.