As y'all know, I've been spending the last several years researching ways to mitigate ADHD and help my imp function in a world that doesn't really make allowances for neurodivergence. ADDitude has been one of my main, go-to resources for quick research into "this issue has popped up--how do people with/parents of people with ADHD manage it?"
Normally, I don't begrudge the "don't feel bad your kid's not normal" essays; however, this one is utter bullshit.
Rejecting norms is a shit idea. Utter shit idea. Most social norms are based in courtesy, and this idiot is rejecting acting with courtesy--and teaching her children to be courteous--in public. Let me go through bit by bit:
She argues that public meltdowns don't merit stern responses because her children are different.
While this is true when the child's under two years of age--before they can communicate in anything other than a meltdown that they've had enough--it is the parent's responsibility to teach children self-control. The only way you can do that is to stomp down on instances where they don't demonstrate that.
Doing anything else is teaching them that they don't have to control themselves, and it...snowballs.
I'm not saying you beat the shit out of your kid for a public tantrum, but you do have to set expectations--and hold kids to them--so that they learn how to comport themselves. I am raising future adults, not perpetual children. Not ferals.
It's like potty training: you have to teach them to hold in their shit until it's an appropriate place to release it. That place is never in public.
She also argues that, since her children are different, she doesn't even try to keep them corralled at restaurants. She argues that, since they're neurodivergent, they won't sit still, and she's okay with them crawling under the table, running around, and being feral.
Okay, bitch, don't get unhappy when somebody trips your crotchfruit for running around and fucking up their meal experience.
My son's ADHD AF (I'm sure you can figure out that last acronym). Yes, his preference would have been scrambling around and being a noisy nuisance. That's why I always asked for a booth, and stuck him in the corner! It is totally inconsiderate of others to allow your feral crotchfruit to be noisy in a restaurant.
Fast food places...are a little different--it varies by venue.
Her third assertion...well, it depends. The whole "kids should be seen and not heard" thing is, admittedly, extreme. But you do need to teach your kid volume control: how to use an indoor voice, where an indoor voice is appropriate, and where it's okay to be loud (i.e., outside). You also need to teach your kid when it's appropriate to speak: as in, not over the top of anybody else, not two or three of you at once, and do not interrupt an adult. Ever. Unless they're on fucking fire.
Her fourth assertion, again, depends on the venue. Yes, kids roughhouse. Yes, it's healthy for them to roughhouse. It's fine in your home if you're okay with them breaking your shit. It's fine outdoors, at a park, or somewhere it's safe for them (and those around them) if they roughhouse (here's a hint: sidewalks and other areas near streets and parking lots are not safe places for them or anyone else).
It is not fine for them to roughhouse over at someone else's house (without permission). It is not fine for them to roughhouse in indoor public venues. The grocery store is never a good place for a kid to chase down and tackle their sibling. Nor is Walmart. They're endangering themselves, others, and goods you never had any intention of buying, and you're failing your responsibility to teach them courtesy.
I am unconvinced that the unwritten playground rules actually exist the way she asserts--however, she does discuss issues that again, are safety issues. And a matter of courtesy. Don't do things that will hurt others. And most ADHD kids simply aren't aware that the actions that float into their heads as "could be fun" could also be harmful to others. My ADHD kid is fine with being told the rules, especially if you also explain that not following the rules could cause others to be seriously hurt.
I am also unconvinced, anymore, that there even is a "no screens in public" rule. I have not seen a toddler without a phone in their hand in a store anywhere in the last six or eight months, unless they're asleep on Mom's (or Dad's) shoulder.
That doesn't mean I allow mine to monopolize my devices...or be addicted to their own. Their devices can come along on the ride, and even in the doctor's office, but not in a store. I use shopping as time to teach the kids things: how to shop, how to read labels for things they're allergic to, how to figure unit cost, and consider whether they'll eat all of whatever before it goes bad (i.e., sometimes the bigger package isn't better), how to pay attention to their surroundings so they don't run into people...and so that they can be alert and not a target for predatory individuals.
The next assertion--that shoes don't have to match and hair doesn't have to be brushed--is again...iffy. No, hair doesn't have to be brushed. However, it also doesn't have to be long. It must be brushed if it is long. There is no negotiation about that, sensory issues or not. It's a health issue. Same with matching shoes: kids don't need that many different pairs. Mine have a pair of boots, a pair of tennis shoes, and a pair of sandals. There's sometimes an issue finding the shoes at all, but there's no "I can wear one of each kind." Again, that's a health and safety issue.
I don't mind the whole "I don't complain about my kids" thing. However, other moms that do may be looking for "oh, yeah, mine do the same thing--here's how we handle it." And if you just nod, smile, and change the subject, you're not helping.
Then again, the author of the article clearly doesn't manage her kids' behavior, so she may not have any helpful input.
She's right that her kids' behavior in public isn't a reflection on her parenting; however, where she's missing the point is that her own reaction to her crotchfruit's public behavior (or lack thereof) is a reflection on her parenting.
This woman is raising the next generation of public drains, and doesn't care. Her kids are happy now, and how dare the rest of us imply there's something wrong with them!
Thing is, I do get where she's coming from: parenting normal kids is a hard, unrelenting, thankless job. Neurodivergent kids make it more difficult; where normal kids tend to pick up on unspoken social cues, neurodivergent kids need those cues not just spelled out, but explained, and you have to stay on them all the time to learn self control. And it takes...not just more effort, but more time with more effort expended for far less results.
Those results do happen, though, and they do build...if you love your kids enough that you don't give up, and let them go feral because it's easier.
You can't give up on your kids. If you love them, you have to teach them how to fit within the rules in public. They can relax and have their come-aparts at home. It's a fucking courtesy to others thing. And it's a being accepted by their peers thing.
It's a growing up thing.
You cannot let them remain children forever--the world won't permit that, and you won't be there forever to try to cater to it.
