Bugger. I'm an idiot.

So.  I had a health issue that drove me to the doctor, earlier this week.  While I was there, I asked her to switch me back from artificial thyroid replacement hormones (T4 and T3) back to natural (desiccated porcine thyroid gland).

I took my first dose yesterday morning.  And I woke up.  Woke up for the first time in months. 

I had been sleepwalking through life without realizing how bad it was getting.  I just knew that some of the other hypothyroid symptoms that I had had under control were coming back.  I was (and still am) always cold.  My hair was dry and I was shedding like a nervous cat.  I was struggling to slow weight gain on 900-1100 calories per day.  Not stop it, not lose weight, slow the gain.  

So I asked to go back on what I'd felt better on: the natural stuff. 

I still am limited in physical energy.  I'm still stiff and sore in the joints, with jolts of pain if I push too far. 

But I can think.  My brain's working again.  

I feel like an abject moron, putting it off for so long.  

(and now, back to my scheduled writing)

Old Fashioned Lard Biscuits

2 c all purpose flour*
1 Tbsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/3 c lard**
2/3 c milk

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.  Mix the dry ingredients, and cut the lard into the dry ingredients until everything resembles coarse meal.  Stir in the milk until a sticky dough forms, sprinkle flour on a flat surface and turn the dough out.  Knead until it's elastic and no longer sticky--probably about twelve turns.  Maybe fourteen.  Roll out, cut biscuits by pressing straight down, form the remnants into another pat of dough and keep cutting until you've not got enough left to cut and make that last biscuit, and bake on an ungreased cookie sheet for 12-15 minutes. 

Now.  That's the standard recipe.  

Here's lard biscuits for those who have to be gluten free:

2 c all purpose gluten free flour--I don't recommend almond flour for this unless you like eating hockey pucks
1 Tbsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
1/3 c lard
2/3 c milk***
1 large egg

Preheat the oven to 450 degrees.  Mix the dry ingredients and cut in the lard--this version of the recipe works better if the lard is COLD lard.  Beat the egg into the milk, then work into the dry ingredients.  Add more milk if needed by teaspoons.  Fold and press four or six times, to make flaky layers in the biscuits, then sprinkle flour over the top, roll out, and cut.  Mash the remnants together and roll out and cut a couple more biscuits.  Continue until dough's all on the cookie sheet.  Bake until golden brown. 

These are, hands down, the best gluten free biscuits I've made.  BEST.  They turn out like soft wheat biscuits--the Southern style ones.  They hold together for butter and honey or jam; they also work really well under sausage gravy.  Best thing of all?  They don't end up so dry you feel like you're choking down formed sawdust. 

It truly doesn't take any longer to mix these up and cut them out than it does for the oven to preheat.  And it costs a lot less than biscuits in a can. 

*I haven't made these with standard all purpose flour, but I can't imagine them turning out anything but good, considering how good they turn out as gluten free biscuits.

**You can use room temperature lard, but cold lard turns out better biscuits.  And cold lard isn't nearly so hard to cut in as cold butter is. 

***You can leave out the egg, if you're allergic, but be aware you're going to need more milk--start with 3/4 c milk, and add more by teaspoons if you need it. 

Budget recommendations

My budget just got a lot tighter.  My son hit sixteen, and there's now a small truck to insure.  

So.  It's time to sort through and figure out where I can tighten things down a bit more.  I'm really, really thankful for my aunt helping me buy a WonderMill last spring--that is an enormous budgetary help.  One 25 lb bag of white rice from Sam's Club costs the same as 4 lbs of rice flour.  4 lbs of flour that I grind and mix costs about the same as a 5 lb bag of all-purpose wheat flour.  

If you have to eat gluten free, get a grain mill.  It makes a huge difference.  You will break even in the first few months, I promise. 

My particular all-purpose blend* is a combination of white rice, sticky rice, and brown rice, with corn starch and xanthan gum added.  I use corn starch because it's a) locally available, and b) much cheaper than a lot of other starches.  I usually mix two batches of flour to keep on hand and cook with. 

I have successfully made gluten free bread, biscuits,** gravy,*** and a couple of desserts (wacky cake and cookies) with this flour.  It's an excellent blend.  The most expensive part of it is the sticky rice, but it's well worth it.  The sticky rice flour makes an enormous difference in how well your gluten free breads and bread-ish things hold together. 

The biggest difference in cost is that mill.  When you can buy the rice and grind and mix it yourself, you're not paying for a massive commercial mill, and you're not paying labor and convenience costs.  And trust me: both add up.  Fast.


*2 c white rice flour, 1 c sticky rice, 1 c brown rice, 1.5 c corn starch, 2 tbsp xanthan gum

**Best biscuit recipe is actually lard biscuits.  Butter ones are...okay, but mildly disappointing.  The lard biscuits turn out spectacularly good, and they brown.  

***Gravy is one of the things that actually turns out better using gluten free flour: no lumps.  (The other thing is breaded and fried foods.)

It's alive!

 Liquid Diet Chronicles book 4 Meals on Wheels is live, and ready for borrow through Kindle Unlimited, or purchase (or first one, then the other, if you're inclined). 

New foods!

It is like pulling teeth to get my Imp to try new foods.  I think I've found the trick though: he's more likely to try something if I tell him it's spicy.  

Case in point: we got him to try pad thai, recently, by calling it "spicy spaghetti."  He tried it, and liked it well enough to ask me to learn how to make it so I could teach him.  

Last night was another new food: buffalo chicken dip.  I started with a recipe found online, but ended up modifying it a little bit.  I'll probably half the recipe, more or less, next time I make it, and will just make it on the stove top.  

Hot Buffalo Chicken Dip

2 cans chicken, drained
2 bricks cream cheese (I used reduced fat, and thank God I did)
3/4 c shredded cheddar (grate it yourself so the dip doesn't turn out gritty if texture bothers you)
1 c ranch dressing
3/4 c buffalo sauce
1/4 c Louisiana hot sauce (optional--if you need more heat to be happy with it)

Drain chicken (my cats demanded some of the chicken water, so I drained a little into paper bowls for them), dump in crock pot, break up a bit.  Dump in cream cheese, cheddar, ranch, and buffalo sauce, and turn the crock pot on low.  Go back in an hour or so, depending on your crock pot (mine runs way too hot on all settings), and start the process of mixing it up.   It's ready when it's fully incorporated and hot all the way through.  It's good with Freetos, tortilla chips, celery sticks.  Probably would be good with club crackers, but I can't vouch for that, since I can't have those anymore. 

The picky kid ate probably a cup of dip, last night.  He only stopped because it was starting to make him queasy (as much cheese as is in it, I'm not surprised).  I had maybe half a cup...and a bottle of hard cider to mitigate the gallbladder attack I knew would follow.  

It was worth it.  This recipe turned out good.

Derp. Forgot to annouce.

 Light Up the Night dropped live on Wednesday.  It's available to purchase, or to borrow through KU.  

Eggs...and abject stupidity

 So.  

Eggs.  

They're something of a staple.  You use eggs for breakfast, for making cookies, for adding into recipes.  Eggs are just...they're ubiquitous.  They're in a lot of things.  They're supposed to be some of the cheapest protein out there.  

We use a lot of eggs in this house.  A lot.  Spouse eats French Toast egg muffins for breakfast on work days; Imp eats fried egg sandwiches with hot sauce for school day breakfasts (and on Sunday before church).  I make cookies, cornbread, and gluten free bread--all of which use eggs.  Two of them, each time.  I also have a recipe that uses four to make a can of spinach palatable (basically turns nasty, slimy canned spinach into spanikopita filling).  So, yeah--we use a lot of eggs in this household. I get them in the big boxes (5 dozen) from Walmart about every three weeks or so.  

I got groceries Friday.  The box of eggs had jumped from $10/box to a bit over $18.  Yeah.  Major jump.  I got them at Sam's Club instead, for a bit more than $13 for the same size of box.  (That had gone up, too, just not as much as Walmart.)  

Yesterday, I ran across a news story about yet another food recall.  I'm sure you'll remember the great lunch meat recall for listeria?  Back in July?  Where they went screeching that lunch meat would kill you because of this particular bacteria? 

Yeah.  When I got pregnant for the first time in 2008?  I was cautioned that lunch meat can carry listeria, and that since I was pregnant, I would be particularly susceptible to it.  And that I needed to take lunch meat I got and heat it to steaming in the microwave, then put it in a new, clean container, before I put it back in the fridge.  And then it'd be safe.    

There was no need for a panic and recall.  It's stupidly simple to mitigate the risks.  All that was really necessary was a public service announcement.  

Back to the eggs.  They're the current recall.  Because salmonella.  

Wait just a damn fucking minute, here.  Eggs have always risked salmonella contamination.  It's one of the reasons you're not supposed to eat raw cookie dough.*  I have never been unaware of the possibility.  And I've never had a case of salmonella from eggs.  Wanna know why? 

I wash the fucking eggs.  And then I cook the fucking eggs.  

Again: a recall is not necessary.  All that should have been done was to draft a PSA.  Here, I can do it for them: 

Attention: this is a public service announcement from the FDA and CDC.  Recently, there has been a multi-state outbreak in cases of salmonella food poisoning that has been linked to eggs.  Salmonella is a dangerous food-borne illness that can be controlled with a few, simple steps.  Step one: wash the outer shell of the egg with soap and warm water before you crack the eggs for use.  Step two: cook the eggs until the yolk is set.  These two steps will prevent you from contracting salmonella from eggs.  We will not issue a recall for egg-borne salmonella.  Thank you.

Then...leave the eggs alone.  Leave them on the shelves.  Stop fucking treating the American public like toddlers.  If people ignore the PSA's instructions and end up killing themselves with salmonella?  Awesome.  Each easily avoidable death is one fewer stupid fucker voting.  And breeding.  And encouraging the government to treat the rest of us--you know, the ones with brains in our heads--like toddlers.  

Stop issuing food recalls for things that the consumer should be responsible for mitigating for ourselves.  Save them for the arsenic-tainted apple juice, or the metal-shavings-tainted chicken nuggets.