My mother, an individual on a fixed, government income, sets aside a tenth of every month's check to help those in greater need than she. Recently, she's been buying food for my aunt.* Calling that tithing, because that aunt has no income, no job, and has just gotten out of an abusive relationship (par for the course, for that aunt--she's one of those who feels she isn't complete unless she's married, has a room-temperature I.Q., and no spine).
It strikes me less as tithing, and more enabling. Without Mom buying her food, she'd have a job next week, or go hungry. And it'll take her a while before she starves--she's got reserves to spare.
I'd be willing to bet she'd find a job awful damn fast. She's not nearly as broken as she's trying to convince Mom she is.
We've had new neighbors move in on our block recently. The house they've moved into has been vacant for all but about two or three months of the six years we've lived here. It's a wreck. Derelict. According to the wife, the electricity is FUBAR (the wiring in the house has been bollixed up--and the house doesn't even have a line leading in), the water pipes have been not only messed up, but glued so that it'll take replacing it all to fix it all, and they've been cheated by the owner, who gave them one price to rent-to-own, then had a second, nearly double figure in the written contract. They're stuck, because they didn't have the money to go elsewhere.
Tonight, they don't have any food in the house. Their food stamps arrive tomorrow. They have a four year old, a two year old, and a nine month old.
Odysseus and I went to Sam's Club, earlier. We got them a pizza for tonight, and a ten pound bag of pinto beans. I'll be taking her to Sam's tomorrow on my membership so that she can stretch her food stamps until they shriek (like a 40 oz can of formula for $20, instead of one half that size at Wal-Mart for the same price), and maybe have something in the house to eat at the end of the month.
I really don't think its enabling. The husband has messed his back up to the point where he can't work, and she can't find work.
There's a world of difference between my new neighbor's attitude, and that of my aunt. My aunt cries when my mom tells her that the money for her food came from my mom's tithing, but from what I've seen, it seems more like it's from injured pride than the gratitude my mom sees it as. My neighbor has offered to spend some of her SNAP to pay us back for whatever we bring them to eat tonight.
I think, instead, we'll be telling her to pay it forward when she and her family get back on their feet.
*She doesn't eat pasta. Or beans. Or rice. Or anything else reasonably priced for someone on a fixed income to buy. I don't see how she has a choice, given her claimed circumstances, but she still turns up her nose.
16 minutes ago
Your mother is being played. Yes, I would rather help the neighbor. I like pasta, beans, and rice! Of course, I don't eat any of those in abundance, but whole grain pasta, brown rice, and any kind of beans are good for a person when vegetables and fruits and some meat are incorporaed into the meals.
ReplyDeletePoint the aunt to a local Victim Service Center...ask police for help in finding the office, not the home for abused women. They will take her in and feed and clothe her. THEN, they will retrain or find her a job. Tell your mother it is the kindest thing she can do for the aunt--get help.
My mom is always being played. How else is she supposed to play the victim card? (She's really no better than my aunt, in a lot of ways.)
ReplyDeleteAs for my neighbor...yeah, I like her. A lot. She's been victimized by the same government entities that I was as a child, only now, it's child illfare taking her children for no real reason, because she can't afford to fight to get them returned to her. She's gotten her three youngest back, and they're very happy, and well cared for in their parents' custody (and yes, they've got both--a rarity, in that socioeconomic position). Their problems come from the year they were in someone else's "care."
They're almost afraid to ask for the help they need. Those are always the kind that need it most.
I think like you in that it is enabling helping someone who could work but won't.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand if they can't work or have a very low paying job it's a different story but I would be leery if those who claimed to be struggling still ate out a lot or still have cable TV and such. I have family who canceled cable, internet service on phones, eating out etc be able to pay for necessitates.
It kind of gripes me also to see welfare people who have high dollar shoes, jeans, jackets etc. only because I struggled to get ahead and did so without all the perks.
It bothers me, too. It also bothers me to see young parents spending their WIC vouchers on formula, milk, and juice, and spending their SNAP benefits on frozen pizzas, Doritos, snack cakes, and junk, while their baby is in a short sleeve onsie with her toenails painted and ears pierced at two months old, no blanket or anything covering the car seat and baby, in the middle of winter. Not because I'm feeling played, but because the two kids are playing house, for real, and have no idea what to do, and no idea of where to look for how to learn, or even that they need to. They've been failed by every adult in their lives, and they don't realize it. I don't feel played, in cases like those--I feel pity.
DeleteI feel sympathy for my neighbors, because they're stuck, but they're still trying.
I tend to look at it as, is the person getting a hand up from me, or are they getting a hand out? Hands up implies that the person is doing something to better their lot in life, rather than just sitting there going "gimme."
ReplyDeleteThe people who game the system to get stuff for free that they could be working and paying for enrage me. Because it could be taking resources from the genuinely needy....and also, I think it does make the taxpayer feel like a chump to see someone on SNAP with the newest nicest cell phone out there.
OTOH, I've worked at the local food bank and seen people come in who were trying, weren't quite there yet, but would get there - and the bags of beans and cans of vegetables were a helpful stepping-stone to them getting somewhere. And I've known of people who got help, managed to get their lives back together - and then who turned around and helped others as soon as they could. And in a lot of cases those are the best "helpers" because not only do they show that it's possible to break free, they also know a lot of the skills you need to, and how to gain them. And I bet people listen to them more than they would listen to a privileged egghead like me.
The people who just don't have the life-skills to keep it together make me sad....and make me want to go back in time and slap whoever their parents were for not teaching them. I'm sure there are life-skills classes out there for people, but I'm not sure how accessible they are, and how likely the people lacking life-skills are to be able to find them.
Well, the family we're trying to help tries. They've had a lot of bad breaks lately, and part of that is no income stream, with a truck that sucks down twelve miles to the gallon in gas. Odysseus is going to be taking the momma bear around to renew her food stamps, and her drivers' license next week, and I'm going to recommend to her that she go to economic security and get help paying off the bogus bill for electricity that someone ran up in her husband's name, so that they can get the freakin' line hooked back up to their house, now that they've got the dangerous part of the FUBARed wiring fixed inside.
DeleteHer biggest frustration is that everybody tells her that there are jobs out there, but she literally can't get to them without having one in the first place, because of how much the family vehicle costs to run. I think there are offices that can help with that, too, but I'm going to have to ask my mother (who is on the government dole, and keeps track of these things more than I do) where she needs to go.